I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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