i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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