god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
