dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
