i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
