I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Send help, water and tortillas.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
