the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
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I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
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Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.