I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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