I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
