I faked an abortion last night.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Randomize
