no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
