The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
