im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
