Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
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Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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