Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
