def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
