it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
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THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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