I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
