Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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