imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
