TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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