Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
