I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
