Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
