I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
