I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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