you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
