ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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