I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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