I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
