Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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