No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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