sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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