I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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