I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
