Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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