Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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