Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece