Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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