My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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