Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
