Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
