if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
