yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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