i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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