Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Randomize
