For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
