you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
