i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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