I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
