You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We need a shit load of segways right now
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
