On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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