The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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