The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
